While your conversation with Shadow may have shed light on a few things... it's obvious he doesn't think you all are up to the task of saving the universe from Eggman. Which also means that now you're dealing with his test, starting immediately. Some of you may be whisked away with no time to even blink, while others may find themselves wandering the Void aimlessly. Regardless, it seems this week won't be a particularly easy one.
THE VOID
Nothing has changed in the Void. Nothing ever changes in the Void. It's impossible to track the passage of time in here, and your only escape are the rings... though you should be careful with them, as there's far fewer this week. You're free to travel between worlds as you see fit - Shadow won't stop you - but you can be snatched up from wherever you are at any given moment and pulled back into the Void. Maybe don't plan on spending to long anywhere else, because it won't end well for you if you do.
The hexagonal shards will still show you visions of other worlds... but this time they all show the same thing. You'll see worlds - maybe even your own - taken over by robots and Eggman's chroma, reduced to smoldering ashes or being rebuilt in Eggman's image. Your friends, allies, and enemies may even be going about their lives just as listlessly and dutifully, heedless of their surroundings. You may even see alternate versions of yourself among them. Regardless, it seems all these shards have to show you this week are all the possibilities of failure - that other versions of shardbearers in other timelines have already lost.
MINDSCAPES
Shadow's usage of the Phantom Ruby and his own fake Chaos Emerald shard have caused quite the problem for you all - namely, you'll find yourselves traversing each other's innermost thoughts and dreams. Exactly how this mindscape manifests depends on the individual, but one thing will always remain true: you won't be able to find the owner of the mindscape easily.
As a reflection of these inner thoughts, mindscapes can be any sort of place. Perhaps they are a reflection of the owner's inner demons and fear, or perhaps they showcase a bright future they want to work towards. Regardless, this is a dream and one the owner must be awoken from... which means finding them and bringing them back to reality. That's easier said than done when traversing through this dream-like state, where the rules are made up by the owner and you're a foreign being that the dream recognizes as a threat (even if you aren't).
You may encounter familiar places or people within these mindscapes. You may not. You may end up fighting for your life in here... or you may not. Each one is individual, and the experience can vary wildly from person to person. No matter what you face, you must find the owner of the mindscape and bring them back. You must ensure you're strong enough to support them... and protect yourself.
Curiously, you can activate your shared shard power with the owner of the mindscape at any time - or bolster your own power if you share shard colors - even without them being present. Will this make it easier or harder to help bring them back? It depends on the person, your bond, and the mindscape itself...
Waking them up is as simple as convincing them that they're dreaming - that this isn't real and that they still have things to return to - but that may be easier said than done depending on the person... or the mindscape itself. There's no telling what you'll encounter, after all.
SHARDS
You'll find you're capable of more now than you were before. You're really adapting to using your shard powers and fighting with others. Those of you who share shard colors will feel the strength of your shards increasing even more when working together.
As you fight with your allies - particularly those you have a close bond with, positive or negative - you may feel the tug of something in the back of your head; it tells you that you can do more. Together, you can become more powerful. You can use your shards together. Doing so will grant you a new power, or strengthen the one you already have. The more you trust one another, the easier this power will be to use.
It might be good to experiment with these new powers; after all, you never know when you may need them.
TAILS' TASKS
Given that your allies are being pulled into mindscapes and are unable to break free of their own, your task this week is to help your friends. Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles are off dealing with their own mindscapes, but whenever they are around, they're adamant about the importance of making sure everyone is freed and prepared for whatever comes next.
ENEMIES
Like last week, you will not encounter any of Eggman's robots. The Void is still free of enemies, though other worlds may possess their own threats. Mindscapes are a bit of a different beast; each one varies, and you may or may not encounter threats of any sort in them. Best be on your guard.
All of it. I was only myself again for...seconds before all this started, compared to months of quieted and muted emotions. I feel as though I have had to relearn everything about myself and my functions, all while fighting for our lives and confronting things like this.
[A gesture to the surroundings; bright, peaceful, and painfully hard to leave behind.]
Any machine would break under this kind of overclocking. Though a human hert can endure more, it makes the ordeal no less of a strain.
[It's only a bare echo of something familiar - waking up off that stone floor, changed and confused, shoved straight into responsibility with no time for questions or anger or mourning. Adaption in motion, always in motion, always expected, while the heart still ached and the mind struggled to match pace.
...]
Anyone would be struggling were they to be balancing as much as you have. Human or otherwise... let alone someone who does not prefer to sit idle.
But there is wisdom in voicing as much. Knowing that one has a limit. [Something he had never done through all his self-judgement, something that could have prevented so much. Something he wonders if Viktor struggles with in equal amount.] And it is no failure, to say as much.
All systems have limits. Knowing them is important, knowing when to push them is vital. [He had rarely known anything else; pushing himself out of stubbornness, desperation, or both at once. Short on time, limited in resources, all but screaming for recognition with a voice few would ever listen to.]
...We can not afford to have anyone fall behind. I can not afford to let myself falter.
Logically, yes, of course I understand this. We are more than parts in a larger machine, but still must form a cohesive unit nonetheless.
I have...never been one to ask for help. Such things in my life either went unanswered, or were a sign of weakness from a flawed and pitiable thing. This too seems like a skill I must learn on top of every other adjustment to be made.
I won't pretend it will be easy. Especially not when when one is used to it being out of reach. But...
[...]
You are always full of questions and a want to understand whatever is required to find progress, so much that it weighs on every single thing that you do. Where others may ask with their voice, you rely on your observation and intellect. Even with Jayce, back there at the cart... you held yourself together until you were fraying at the edges, if only to keep him calm. You predicted his own requests, followed his train of logic while battling your own worries.
He did not speak to you, or view you, as anything other than yourself when you finally had to let it drop. He wanted to help you, just as much as you were trying to help him. And he is not the only one who wants that for you.
You put so much pressure on yourself. If asking for help is too hard to start... then perhaps you can start with simply allowing it when it comes.
...He was the first person ever to look at me and see something. More than a failing body, more than mere intellect, he saw past what I was and the desperate perfection in my work to make up for my flaws. Even when I woke up in a body of arcane metal, his only reaction was to embrace that inhuman form and be happy I was alive.
All he ever saw was Viktor, in ways I had never truly thought myself worth notice.
So many of you have been...just as kindhearted as him. More than I feel I deserve and more than I understand how to contend with. It is...frightening, to be so overwhelmed by something I thought nearly impossible.
...It feels unreal in a way, doesn't it? Like some point may come where someone may pull the shield from one's eyes and reveal a reality that fits more in line with our feelings, rather than accepting what is happening as genuine and acceptable.
[He understands. He understands so deeply, and he wants to say as much, but it feels... wrong, invasive, to interrupt this moment for Viktor. So he puts a pin in the thought before it can leave his mouth.]
...All the better reason to take it as it comes, in however way you feel you can allow.
If you are scared, then let us at least walk alongside you, so you do not have to maneuver it alone.
Exactly. There were times I expected as much, but even after years--after everything I've done, nothing ever truly changed. Even corrupted by the arcane, even as the Herald, he still just saw...his partner.
[Poisoned mental state or not, Viktor had been so damn stupid for so long.]
Having the luxury of relying on others and the willingness to be seen with such vulnerability is...new, to me. Navigating these complex rediscovered emotions is only making it a more difficult endeavor. But I...would like that, I think.
[He doesn't respond verbally this time, little more than a relieved sort of smile and the echoing ambience of the city to punctuate Viktor's statement.
That touch returns to Viktor's shoulder as they walk. Less comfort, this time, and more a response to that openness, a firm understanding of Viktor turning his back and choosing to ignore what would otherwise be an aching desire of his heart. The desire from Viktor to not be alone, however brittle in its start, is not left to the heart, and not something Vakama wants to ignore in the silence of the space. It is mutual, after all.]
[He let out a slow breath, like someone anticipating jumping off a ledge with no assurance of a safe landing.]
...I am afraid. I am not sure I know who this person is any longer; I feel so drastically changed as to be unrecognizeable. I fear falling back on the machine when such uncertainty and emotion strains the limits of the mind. In our enemy do I see my own former madness and disregard for free will, and it terrifies me to think what little atonement I can make in helping to see the world saved could easily be jeopardized by my own weaknesses.
I would nt even know where to begin in asking for help with something like that.
You are still you, Viktor. Regardless of the form you have taken, or how different your mind may work.... even if it changes how you perceive, it does not change who you are.
And you are not Robotnik, nor will you ever be him. You have voiced how desperately you do not want this to be a repeat of what has happened to Runeterra - that alone should be proof enough of the strength of your intention.
[Which leaves just the fears of the machine. It's hard to know where to start. But he can at least try to narrow it down - to get a better idea of if this worry was grounded in a repeatable reality, or just heightened paranoia.]
Has it happened since you have been here? Moments where you feel that strain warping how you interact?
[He didn't argue the point, which in itself was a good sign--but Viktor also wasn't sure if that was enough. What one desired was not necessarily in harmony with their results, he knew that far too well. He had only ever wanted to help, and had that mattered to everyone whose free will he had destroyed?]
I fear I am growing too comfortable with this form. My real one, the hollow shell wrought of steel and the arcane. [He looked to the hand not on his cane; a flawed human body, as it always was in dreams. And what did that say about him, that his own perception was in conflict with his desire?] I can move and walk with minimal aid, breathe without pain, and for the first time with clarity I realize that I am actually able to live. But that life comes with unbearably heavy variables; guilt that I am allowed to persist after destroying so much. Fear of losing any of you in this senseless conflict. The uncertainty of what will come next.
...I do not miss the time when the Hexcore quieted my emotions. But it would be a lie if I were to say I did not find it so much impler.
...I thought similarly, not all that long ago. Perhaps not for quieting feelings in entirety, but... the changes I had to endure brought their own sorts of safety. A charade of peace for my heart despite everything that I chose to do with it.
It is... not easy. To feel one might ever deserve to come back from all that, let alone accepted in any way.
But changes that we have seen... [A pause, a firm exhale.] ...Changes we still may need to go through... they are still what shapes us. We bear the weight... if not to prevent our own repeating, then perhaps to be there for others to be warned of the same.
Even staring at death and begging for it to end us, we cannot ask the universe why we still have purpose. It does not change that we still are as we are, and that time will continue to pass regardless of our uncertainties.
We live, and we face those uncertainties, and have faith that our purpose will make itself known. That weaving of destiny will never be for the universe to decide, whether we deserve it or not. It will always be on us, and whether we can find our peace.
...I was always afraid to die. I knew well before any official prognosis that I would not have long, and threw myself into my work as a result. Desperate to leave some impact, some sign that I had existed at all. When the Hexcore started to develop, I- [It defied words. Viktor could never quite articulate the compulsion it held, how it spoke to him, not even when pleading with Jayce to destroy it. How could he even begin to explain the weakness in being manipulated by his own work?] ...-surrendered to it, out of my own fear and desperation. Its power was addicting, and it was the only glimmer of hope I had to potentially survive. But its power killed someone in the process, and...you already know the rest.
[He hadn't dared speak about Sky all this time; the one death that was truly, entirely, and completely on Viktor's own hands rather than softened by his corrupted intentions. He still didn't dare acknowledge what the resulting phantom of her truly must have been--just another lie.]
There was nothing after that, once the heartache of my argument with Jayce over my resurrection faded. No more guilt, anger, fear, sadness...I truly, honestly thought I had managed to build something peaceful. And I was finally simply not in pain, in a way that had never before happened as a human.
[He shifted slightly on the cane at his side; even as a machine his leg ched from time to time, but it had never been so bearable before.]
I do not deserve to have survived everything. But I have, and perhaps that is right in its own way. There is no atonement if one is simply dead, and living with these deafening emotions straining a metal form is as karmic as I would assume punishment can get.
There is not much he feels he could say, other than to listen. He understands, at least partially. The Hordika venom that had dug into his body and mind had been agony, had been mortifying, but with it had come quiet. No visions plagued him. And in the quiet space left behind, turmoil had space to shape his emotions into something twisted, poisoned by the growing pull of the primal and stoked by the fires of his own inner drive to try and do something with what was left of himself. Spite masquerading as confidence, bitterness creating walls that claimed to be self-assured. By the time he had fallen into completely it - until someone had finally pulled him away - he did not want to know anything else. The further he drowned, the more it felt right.
...]
Is... that what you had meant back on the beaches? When I had spoken of what happened with my own creation?
[Viktor turned very quiet in a way he did not even when hesitating to talk about how he caused the apocalypse. This weighed differently, heavy on his shoulders in a more close and personal manner. He swallowed hard against how his voice threatened to crack before he'd even spoken--if he had not been in his human form, it might have been that familiar catch of metal on metal.]
Experimenting directly with the Hexcore was a dangerous and painful process. I did it when I was sure I would be alone in the laboratory, when not even Jayce would know what I was doing. We...we had an assistant, a young woman from the Undercity--Sky Young.
[...he'd never asked about her last name. If she'd adopted one on coming to Piltover or if her family was so new to Zaun that they still had one. Gods, he hadn't known anything about her.]
She came in unexpectedly--saw my hand on the Hexcore, saw it was causing unspeakable pain, and tried to pull me away from it. But it...wouldn't let go. It would never let go of me, not in any sense. The next thing I knew, there was a burst of arcane energy, I heard her screaming, and-
[Screaming her murderer's name with her last breath.]
...It was an accident. I swear on everything that has ever mattered, I had no idea it would-...I didn't...
[It's a raw retelling, one that he once again stays very intentionally quiet for. Letting Viktor turn the details over with his words, forming the emotions of it. Someone with good intention, caught in between a horrible mistake and an unstoppable force, and--
How immediately his chest aches, at the similarity to Lhikan. It has his body run cold.
It is why, when Viktor's explanation starts to stammer into defense, Vakama immediately stops their forward progress, taking his other hand to Viktor's opposite shoulder to face him fully. It's the briefest glance, an expression torn with an overwhelming, almost boldened empathy.]
...Do not justify it to me, Viktor. Of all people, please... you know it cannot be me.
[A beat - softened, pained, before he makes the choice he wishes someone would have made with him. His arms wrap around the much frailer man - a warmth like that of a machine that never seemed to stop running, a grip that seems angered, protective.
Do not let this repeat, in his hands. Let there be space, somewhere, to grieve.]
[He jolted very slightly at the touch--not quite flinching, but jarred abruptly out of a spiral he hadn't dared let himself trip into for too long. She'd haunted him in the months that followed, and he'd been grateful for it. Because that meant he could let himself be lied to by the force that had overtaken his body and mind, see, she's right here, infinite and perfect within the arcane just like you-]
I-I...
[A choked sound cut that off, a very human hitching of breath and forcibly repressed noise.]
...I couldn't...destroy it, even then. I tried--I was too weak-minded, and its compulsion was...too much.
[He could believe that, if the siren call he had heard at this mindscape's start was anything close to the pull Viktor himself had felt. In a broken body, running on borrowed time, exhausted and willing to put himself through that much pain for an answer... the whisperings of something promising more, promising perfection and life, would be like the taunting of water to a desperate soul dying of thirst.]
You are here. You know now. We both know you have found a way to challenge yourself - you did get there. But... I know, I know that does not bring back what was lost, nor take away the regret...
[His hands press just a little tighter. He cannot tell Viktor to stop blaming himself, even if he wants to. He knows he would not want to hear such words about Lhikan. To dismiss the responsibility involved, even if it was an accident, felt like dismissing the life that had so rapidly vanished.]
[In the wider picture, it wasn't the worst thing he had ever done. It barely even registered in comparison to all the lives lost and wanton destruction that followed. But it was something Viktor had done, not the Herald. Not yet lost to corrupted madnesss, only his own reckless stupidity in dealing with a force he barely understood. Though the guilt of all of it rested with him, Sky was different. Sharper, clearer, so much heavier.]
[The cane clattered to the ground, arms uneasily brought around Vakama--like the gesture was not one he had much experience with.]
I was going to-...Jayce stopped me before I could drop myself off a damned ledge after it happened. [His voice hitched uncomfortably in his throat no matter how Viktor tried to steady it.] In the past weeks I've caught myself thinking--I wish he hadn't.
[The cane falls, and Vakama lets his arms hold the other steady. His heart is less of a thumping behind the warm plate of his armor and more a steady thrum, a power source in constant steady flux just like the beating of blood - increasing, in turn, at the words that leave Viktor's mouth, breath firm against his shoulder.
An unspoken protest.
No. No, do not let yourself be taken by that doubt. Do not let that maw of despair eat you alive as the only option left in your sights.
...]
Please... don't speak so of yourself.
[It's surprisingly weak.]
I know it feels as though... it is the only way to make things right. I have stared that beast in its jaws, too.
But I do not want to think of where we would be - where I would be - if you were not here.
I...am trying. Janna's mercy, I am trying. I want to live, and in that body I actually can. No pain, no illness, just...whatever I have turned into nd the growing realization that I am fine with that.
[Machine or not, what did it matter? This outcome was everything he had wanted when he started experimenting with augmentation, but-]
But I killed Sky. I hurt Jayce over and over, and I've killed so many people. Even if I must live to atone for all of it, why does it have to be like this--with people that are so much kinder to me than I deserve?
[His exhale shakes hard as he breaks the embrace to hold Viktor at arm's length, hands firm against his shoulders.]
Do you not punish yourself enough? Must a world who is a stranger to you be expected to show you bitterness and hatred when you have done nothing to us, to any of them, to earn it? Holding all your regret over your own head like some sort of chopping block and just waiting for it to catch up, rather than moving on?
...
Would Sky or Jayce wish for you to stand here and say there is absolutely no kindness in this world that could reach to you? Or would they want you to see what kindness can show you for where you want to head? To give you a path to that atonement you desire?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
Do you mean personally, or with our circumstance in Chicago?
[Could be both, tbh.]
no subject
[A gesture to the surroundings; bright, peaceful, and painfully hard to leave behind.]
Any machine would break under this kind of overclocking. Though a human hert can endure more, it makes the ordeal no less of a strain.
no subject
...]
Anyone would be struggling were they to be balancing as much as you have. Human or otherwise... let alone someone who does not prefer to sit idle.
But there is wisdom in voicing as much. Knowing that one has a limit. [Something he had never done through all his self-judgement, something that could have prevented so much. Something he wonders if Viktor struggles with in equal amount.] And it is no failure, to say as much.
no subject
...We can not afford to have anyone fall behind. I can not afford to let myself falter.
no subject
You are not some weak link in the chain, Viktor. To ask for help under strain is not faltering.
no subject
I have...never been one to ask for help. Such things in my life either went unanswered, or were a sign of weakness from a flawed and pitiable thing. This too seems like a skill I must learn on top of every other adjustment to be made.
no subject
[...]
You are always full of questions and a want to understand whatever is required to find progress, so much that it weighs on every single thing that you do. Where others may ask with their voice, you rely on your observation and intellect. Even with Jayce, back there at the cart... you held yourself together until you were fraying at the edges, if only to keep him calm. You predicted his own requests, followed his train of logic while battling your own worries.
He did not speak to you, or view you, as anything other than yourself when you finally had to let it drop. He wanted to help you, just as much as you were trying to help him. And he is not the only one who wants that for you.
You put so much pressure on yourself. If asking for help is too hard to start... then perhaps you can start with simply allowing it when it comes.
no subject
All he ever saw was Viktor, in ways I had never truly thought myself worth notice.
So many of you have been...just as kindhearted as him. More than I feel I deserve and more than I understand how to contend with. It is...frightening, to be so overwhelmed by something I thought nearly impossible.
no subject
[He understands. He understands so deeply, and he wants to say as much, but it feels... wrong, invasive, to interrupt this moment for Viktor. So he puts a pin in the thought before it can leave his mouth.]
...All the better reason to take it as it comes, in however way you feel you can allow.
If you are scared, then let us at least walk alongside you, so you do not have to maneuver it alone.
no subject
[Poisoned mental state or not, Viktor had been so damn stupid for so long.]
Having the luxury of relying on others and the willingness to be seen with such vulnerability is...new, to me. Navigating these complex rediscovered emotions is only making it a more difficult endeavor. But I...would like that, I think.
no subject
That touch returns to Viktor's shoulder as they walk. Less comfort, this time, and more a response to that openness, a firm understanding of Viktor turning his back and choosing to ignore what would otherwise be an aching desire of his heart. The desire from Viktor to not be alone, however brittle in its start, is not left to the heart, and not something Vakama wants to ignore in the silence of the space. It is mutual, after all.]
...Then you need only to ask.
[He will not be left unanswered.]
no subject
...I am afraid. I am not sure I know who this person is any longer; I feel so drastically changed as to be unrecognizeable. I fear falling back on the machine when such uncertainty and emotion strains the limits of the mind. In our enemy do I see my own former madness and disregard for free will, and it terrifies me to think what little atonement I can make in helping to see the world saved could easily be jeopardized by my own weaknesses.
I would nt even know where to begin in asking for help with something like that.
no subject
You are still you, Viktor. Regardless of the form you have taken, or how different your mind may work.... even if it changes how you perceive, it does not change who you are.
And you are not Robotnik, nor will you ever be him. You have voiced how desperately you do not want this to be a repeat of what has happened to Runeterra - that alone should be proof enough of the strength of your intention.
[Which leaves just the fears of the machine. It's hard to know where to start. But he can at least try to narrow it down - to get a better idea of if this worry was grounded in a repeatable reality, or just heightened paranoia.]
Has it happened since you have been here? Moments where you feel that strain warping how you interact?
no subject
I fear I am growing too comfortable with this form. My real one, the hollow shell wrought of steel and the arcane. [He looked to the hand not on his cane; a flawed human body, as it always was in dreams. And what did that say about him, that his own perception was in conflict with his desire?] I can move and walk with minimal aid, breathe without pain, and for the first time with clarity I realize that I am actually able to live. But that life comes with unbearably heavy variables; guilt that I am allowed to persist after destroying so much. Fear of losing any of you in this senseless conflict. The uncertainty of what will come next.
...I do not miss the time when the Hexcore quieted my emotions. But it would be a lie if I were to say I did not find it so much impler.
cw: suicidal ideation
...I thought similarly, not all that long ago. Perhaps not for quieting feelings in entirety, but... the changes I had to endure brought their own sorts of safety. A charade of peace for my heart despite everything that I chose to do with it.
It is... not easy. To feel one might ever deserve to come back from all that, let alone accepted in any way.
But changes that we have seen... [A pause, a firm exhale.] ...Changes we still may need to go through... they are still what shapes us. We bear the weight... if not to prevent our own repeating, then perhaps to be there for others to be warned of the same.
Even staring at death and begging for it to end us, we cannot ask the universe why we still have purpose. It does not change that we still are as we are, and that time will continue to pass regardless of our uncertainties.
We live, and we face those uncertainties, and have faith that our purpose will make itself known. That weaving of destiny will never be for the universe to decide, whether we deserve it or not. It will always be on us, and whether we can find our peace.
cw terminal illness
[He hadn't dared speak about Sky all this time; the one death that was truly, entirely, and completely on Viktor's own hands rather than softened by his corrupted intentions. He still didn't dare acknowledge what the resulting phantom of her truly must have been--just another lie.]
There was nothing after that, once the heartache of my argument with Jayce over my resurrection faded. No more guilt, anger, fear, sadness...I truly, honestly thought I had managed to build something peaceful. And I was finally simply not in pain, in a way that had never before happened as a human.
[He shifted slightly on the cane at his side; even as a machine his leg ched from time to time, but it had never been so bearable before.]
I do not deserve to have survived everything. But I have, and perhaps that is right in its own way. There is no atonement if one is simply dead, and living with these deafening emotions straining a metal form is as karmic as I would assume punishment can get.
no subject
There is not much he feels he could say, other than to listen. He understands, at least partially. The Hordika venom that had dug into his body and mind had been agony, had been mortifying, but with it had come quiet. No visions plagued him. And in the quiet space left behind, turmoil had space to shape his emotions into something twisted, poisoned by the growing pull of the primal and stoked by the fires of his own inner drive to try and do something with what was left of himself. Spite masquerading as confidence, bitterness creating walls that claimed to be self-assured. By the time he had fallen into completely it - until someone had finally pulled him away - he did not want to know anything else. The further he drowned, the more it felt right.
...]
Is... that what you had meant back on the beaches? When I had spoken of what happened with my own creation?
[Losing someone, that is.]
no subject
[Viktor turned very quiet in a way he did not even when hesitating to talk about how he caused the apocalypse. This weighed differently, heavy on his shoulders in a more close and personal manner. He swallowed hard against how his voice threatened to crack before he'd even spoken--if he had not been in his human form, it might have been that familiar catch of metal on metal.]
Experimenting directly with the Hexcore was a dangerous and painful process. I did it when I was sure I would be alone in the laboratory, when not even Jayce would know what I was doing. We...we had an assistant, a young woman from the Undercity--Sky Young.
[...he'd never asked about her last name. If she'd adopted one on coming to Piltover or if her family was so new to Zaun that they still had one. Gods, he hadn't known anything about her.]
She came in unexpectedly--saw my hand on the Hexcore, saw it was causing unspeakable pain, and tried to pull me away from it. But it...wouldn't let go. It would never let go of me, not in any sense. The next thing I knew, there was a burst of arcane energy, I heard her screaming, and-
[Screaming her murderer's name with her last breath.]
...It was an accident. I swear on everything that has ever mattered, I had no idea it would-...I didn't...
no subject
How immediately his chest aches, at the similarity to Lhikan. It has his body run cold.
It is why, when Viktor's explanation starts to stammer into defense, Vakama immediately stops their forward progress, taking his other hand to Viktor's opposite shoulder to face him fully. It's the briefest glance, an expression torn with an overwhelming, almost boldened empathy.]
...Do not justify it to me, Viktor. Of all people, please... you know it cannot be me.
[A beat - softened, pained, before he makes the choice he wishes someone would have made with him. His arms wrap around the much frailer man - a warmth like that of a machine that never seemed to stop running, a grip that seems angered, protective.
Do not let this repeat, in his hands. Let there be space, somewhere, to grieve.]
no subject
I-I...
[A choked sound cut that off, a very human hitching of breath and forcibly repressed noise.]
...I couldn't...destroy it, even then. I tried--I was too weak-minded, and its compulsion was...too much.
no subject
You are here. You know now. We both know you have found a way to challenge yourself - you did get there. But... I know, I know that does not bring back what was lost, nor take away the regret...
[His hands press just a little tighter. He cannot tell Viktor to stop blaming himself, even if he wants to. He knows he would not want to hear such words about Lhikan. To dismiss the responsibility involved, even if it was an accident, felt like dismissing the life that had so rapidly vanished.]
I'm so sorry.
cw: suicidal ideation
[The cane clattered to the ground, arms uneasily brought around Vakama--like the gesture was not one he had much experience with.]
I was going to-...Jayce stopped me before I could drop myself off a damned ledge after it happened. [His voice hitched uncomfortably in his throat no matter how Viktor tried to steady it.] In the past weeks I've caught myself thinking--I wish he hadn't.
cw: suicidal ideation
An unspoken protest.
No. No, do not let yourself be taken by that doubt. Do not let that maw of despair eat you alive as the only option left in your sights.
...]
Please... don't speak so of yourself.
[It's surprisingly weak.]
I know it feels as though... it is the only way to make things right. I have stared that beast in its jaws, too.
But I do not want to think of where we would be - where I would be - if you were not here.
no subject
[Machine or not, what did it matter? This outcome was everything he had wanted when he started experimenting with augmentation, but-]
But I killed Sky. I hurt Jayce over and over, and I've killed so many people. Even if I must live to atone for all of it, why does it have to be like this--with people that are so much kinder to me than I deserve?
no subject
[His exhale shakes hard as he breaks the embrace to hold Viktor at arm's length, hands firm against his shoulders.]
Do you not punish yourself enough? Must a world who is a stranger to you be expected to show you bitterness and hatred when you have done nothing to us, to any of them, to earn it? Holding all your regret over your own head like some sort of chopping block and just waiting for it to catch up, rather than moving on?
...
Would Sky or Jayce wish for you to stand here and say there is absolutely no kindness in this world that could reach to you? Or would they want you to see what kindness can show you for where you want to head? To give you a path to that atonement you desire?
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)